


Waste Away

by riordmag



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: BaekYeol - Freeform, ChanBaek - Freeform, Eating Disorder, M/M, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 18:16:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7651426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riordmag/pseuds/riordmag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chanyeol noticed that Baekhyun hasn't been his normal self lately, mostly having to do with the fact that he hasn't been eating. When Baekhyun passes out at rehearsal, Chanyeol knows that he can't let it happen again. But who really needs saving?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waste Away

Of course I noticed he was getting thinner. How could I not? It was small things I noticed that I figured he was trying to get me not to pick up on. He tried to hide things but I was good at noticing things. We spent all of our time together because we lived together and we were best friends or maybe more than that. I don't think he could hide it from me no matter how hard he tried. Little things seemed off recently and not in a pleasing way. 

We always ate snacks together. Junkfood was our thing. He would go to the conveinece store down the road and pick out armfuls of unhealthy treats and bring them back to our dorm while I picked out something to watch and we'd stay up watching stupid videos and movies until he feel asleep lying on my stomach and I shut the television off an closed my eyes. It was our routine, happening at least once a week, but most of the time, more often that that. It was the best. I longed for it. I didn't care too much for the junk food, though it was always a bonus. My favorite part was having Baekhyun in my arms. The way we layed on the couch, fitting seamlessly together, was relaxing and I waited impatiently for the nights when he would suggest we watch something together, as he headed out the door to walk to the convienence store. But we hadn't eaten junkfood together in over 2 months. He barely ever layed on the couch with me. He was always secluded in in his room, isolating himself. 

I noticed his clothes differently now. His old sweatshirts barely stayed on his shoulders. His pants were baggy and he would pull them up multiple times while walking. When he bought new clothes, which was rare lately, he always bought the size small. He used to always buy a size medium. Now, even the small shirts seemed to be a bit baggy on him and the small jeans seemed to be barely balancing on his hips. He used to steal my sweatshirts too. They were always large on him but I liked getting them back because they always smelled of him when I wore them the next day. Now they all smelled like cheap laundry detergent and they felt colder than before. The last time he stole my sweatshirt was 6 weeks ago and it looked long enough to graze his kneecaps. When he war a baggy shirt, it sometimes dipped down to show his collar bones. Sometimes it seemed as if there was nothing covering his collarbones. As if they were just bare bones, as if he were dead, decomposing like a skeleton. 

Phrases like "I'm not hungry," "I already ate," and "I don't like this food," became increasingly more common, coming from his mouth. I almost always ate alone nowadays, staring at the empty spot across the small round table, a chair meant to be filled by Baekhyun. It felt lonely eating without him but I wasn't going to force him to do anything. He was a grown adult. I figured he could handle things on his own. I figured he would eat when he needed to eat. 

He wore more makeup now too. I mean, he always wore makeup occasionally, but recently he wouldn't be seen by anyone without it. He was always buying undereye concealer. He went through lots of it. When he took it off at night I saw the circles under his eyes. They stretched all the way down to this cheekbones and were as dark as plums. I rarely would catch him without makeup on, though. And when I did, his first instinct was to look away or cover his face. I once tried to reassure him, telling him he had nothing to hide from me but he just walked away, locking himself in his room. 

I missed his smile more than anything. He used to smile about everything. He laughed at cute dogs, my ears, funny videos, and his friends. He would laught at the dumbest things and some people found it annoying but I found it extremely enjoyable. When he smiled, I smiled. He was a ray of sunshine. But he had lost the sunshine. I still loved him just as much but I missed the ray of sunshine. All I saw now was a tired ghost of his happy self, barely making it through each day. 

Two weeks ago he had sat on the couch with me, a rare occasion. Happy to have him near me, I pulled him towards me, my hands wrapping around his waist. That was when I felt his ribs. I felt them through the red shirt he was wearing. They were poking out like sharp knives in his smooth skin. I began to run my fingers up his bony ribs but he pulled my hand away, saying nothing, looking away. I rested my hand on his hip but he pushed my hand away. He wasn't fast enough though because my fingers were able to brush against his hipbone. It was jutting out like a rock, making his body look and feel skeletal. After he pushed my hand away he got up in one swift movement and walked away, going to his bedroom and shutting the door, not looking back. I couldn't hold back the silent tears as they began to drip down my cheeks. I couldn't believe what he had done to himself. My Baekhyun wasn't like this. What happened to my happy Baekhyun? 

After that night I started filling the cabinets with more junk food. I bought oreos, chips, ramen noodles, and twinkies, hoping he would eat them. I checked the cabinet constantly throughout the day, checking to see if anything had been eaten by Baekhyun. I refrained from eating any of it. It was for Baekhyun. He surely needed it much more than I did. I was ecstatic when I saw a bag of chips missing. He must've eaten them. I smiled for the first time in a while. 

That night, I took out the garbage. As I threw the bag in the trash can, I noticed something sitting at the bottom of the can. It was the bag of chips I thought Baekhyun had eaten. They were untouched and now crushed by the garbage bag I had thrown on top of them. This boy was good at hiding things but I was also good at noticing every little thing he did. I went back inside, a lump in my throat, deciding to let the incident go unnoticed. 

Last week was when it really hit me though. We had a long day of practice at the dance studio. Kai had been pushing us extra hard but it wasnt anything we couldn't handle. But Baekhyun was too weak, I guess. He hadn't eaten anything, like most days, but he always managed to come to practices because he was one of the hardest workers I knew. He was never the best dancer in the group but he always tried as hard as he could, and he always managed to nail the choreography better than I ever could.

That day he was looking weak but managing to do the moves pretty well. He was good at hiding pain. After about an hour of rehearsal, Lay insisted Kai let us have a break. I noticed Baekhyun sort of wobbling towards his water bottle. He seemed to be struggling a bit but everyone was tired so it didn't seem too unusual. He reached down to get it off the floor but he fell over just as his finger skimmed the side of the bottle. He crashed to the floor, hitting his head, making a loud sound. Everyone looked in his direction. At first I thought maybe he was being clumsy but I knew better than to let myself think that after the things I had been noticing the last couple of months. Baekhun wasn't moving. He had passed out. I ran to him as quickly as I possibly could. I tried to wake him, tapping his cheeks and splashing a bit of water over his face but it was useless. I had to take him to the hospital. Luckily, there was one just up the street. I figured I could carry him. I picked him up, and what I felt scared me. He was as light as a feather. There was no fat or muscle on his body. He was skin and bones. I felt his boned dig into my arms. I tried to hold him carelfully, feeling as though I might crush him with my grip. I explained to the other members where I was going and left the studio as quickly as I could, careful so they wouldn't notice the tears in my eyes. 

How could I let this happen to him? 

How could I let him waste away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first actual attempt at writing a fanfic. I don't really know if I intend it to be a one shot or a chaptered fic but if someone wants more parts to it, then I will probably be willing to write more. I would really like some feedback on my writing. Since it is my first time it is probably terrible and I probably need lots of help. Also, I think this is really short, I am trying to work on making my writing longer. Any tips or comments on the length would be much appreciated!


	2. I Wish I Knew

Baekhyun’s POV

I woke up in a hospital bed, memories of what happened just hours ago flooding back to me. Sh*t.

I noticed that I felt really good. Physically, at least. But to me, that was bad news. I knew they had probably fattened me up or something to make me feel that way. By now, I thrived on the feeling of being weak from not eating. The feeling of being nourished was foreign and cold to me now. 

I know it was crazy of me to not want food at this point. I had passed out. I obviously needed some fuel. But I couldn’t. I was afraid. The more I kept myself from consuming calories, the more I became afraid of them. Thats why the nutrition was forced into my body. 

I could see how it was hurting Chanyeol. Chanyeol was the best thing in my life and I was hurting him. But that only made me want to punish myself more, to keep myself from eating longer. 

I had an eating disorder back in high school but with my parents there to help me, I got over it pretty quickly and I was back to my old self. It was a short battle. But little did I know at that time, the battle wasn’t over. 

I remember when it all started again. It was February. Practices left me tired and my self esteem low. Everyone seemed to be so much better than me. So much better looking. Better at dancing. I could never compare to them. 

I started eating less and working out more because I wanted to gain some muscle, to be able to look good on stage compared to the other members. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be unhealthy about it. There was nothing wrong with losing a little weight if you did it in the right way. 

But I couldn’t stop. I caved to the bad and unhealthy thoughts. I skipped meals. I counted the calories too much, the number dropping by a small amount each day. I wouldn’t let myself eat anything remotely bad for me. Eventually, I wouldn’t eat anything good for me either. I was too weak to go to the gym at that point, so I lost muscle but it made me happier because the number on the scale kept dropping. But every time I would look in the mirror, I saw so many flaws. I still see so many flaws every time I look at myself. I try to avoid mirrors as much as possible. They make me sick. Thats the thing with eating disorders, they always leave you unsatisfied. As soon as you lose a few pounds you just want to lose ten more. 

One of the worst things about not eating was your lung capacity. It seemed to be so small. And with that, it was extremely hard to have proper breath support for singing. I loved to sing. It was one of my favorite things in the entire world. But it was so hard to sing when I hadn’t eaten. It was one of the things that helped me recover the first time. Now, I only practiced singing alone, not wanting the other members to see how bad my singing had become without proper breath support. This wasn’t enough to make me stop. Food was more frightening that a bad singing voice at this point. 

I only ate enough to get myself through dance practices. I needed a bit of fuel so I could work my hardest. I wouldn’t let anything, not even an eating disorder, get in the way of my performance. 

I guess it wasn’t enough this time. I never thought I would pass out. I was good at knowing my body and how much it needed to stay functional, but I guess I pushed too hard in practice. I was walking to my water bottle after an hour of learning choreography. I needed some hydration. I could feel myself being dizzy and my vision went a little black but that was usual for me. I usually just waited until the feeling passed and I could see again. But it didn’t pass this time. I reached down for my water bottle and then my vision became blacker until I fell, consciousness lost. I don’t remember it in very clear detail. 

The last thing I wanted was for people to worry about me. And that was the problem with passing out. People were going to ask why. I would have to think of an excuse. If you don’t have an eating disorder, you don’t understand. Its as simple as that. Back in high school, I tried to open up to friends and talk about it. I got comments like, “But you’re not even fat,” and, “You know you’re being irrational, so why do you do it?” or, “Why don’t you just eat.” People didn’t understand the complexity of what was going on inside my head. Thats when I stopped opening up about it. People tried to stop you. They tried to fatten you up. It was hell. Thats why nobody was going to know this time. 

But Chanyeol knew. I could see it in his eyes when I didn’t eat with him, when I said I wasn’t hungry. I tried to hide it from him. I would throw food away like I ate it. I wore baggy clothing to hide my body. But he knew. I knew he knew. It killed me to see him sad for me. But I couldn’t stop.

But I knew deep down that I deserved this. I deserved the pain. The hunger. The loneliness that came with it. I deser—

My thoughts were interrupted by a frightened looking Chanyeol bursting into the room. 

“Baek….” the sorrow in his voice formed a lump in my throat. His eyes were full of worry. I did this to him. I was horrible. I didn’t reply to him. I didn’t know what to say. 

I saw he was carrying a plate. He handed it to me. On it there were some apple slices, a sandwich, and a chocolate chip cookie. Of course he expected me to eat it. I took it in my hands and just kinda stared at it. I hadn’t eaten a meal this big in many weeks. I had only eaten little nibbles of food here and there to keep me going. I picked up and apple slice and put it in my mouth. It tasted so sweet, like candy. I wished that I could eat food like this all the time without getting fat. 

It took me a while to finish all the apple slices, Chanyeol standing next to me the whole time, watching as I ate. It wasn’t awkward though. We were too close for things to be awkward. I set the plate on the table next to the bed, sandwich and cookie still uneaten. I half expected Chanyeol to tell me to finish the food but he let it be. I guess he didn’t feel like forcing me. I was happy for his leniency today, but I knew he wouldn’t always be so kind about it from now on. Unfortunately for me, he cared to much to let this go on. 

“Baek, you look better,” he sat on the side of my bed. He took my hand in his. His hands were larger and more tan compared to my pale skinny fingers. But I liked the way my hand fit in his. It was perfectly fitting. It sounds silly, but it was like our hand were meant to hold each other. I thought of pulling my hand away because I didn’t deserve Chanyeol, but I let him hold my hand for while. He sat there, stroking the back of my hand with this thumb, calm silence engulfing us, the whole time, staring at each other’s hands. 

“Baekhyun, have you noticed that your hands don’t fit as well in mine?” Chanyeol broke the silence. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, they’re skinnier, smaller than they were before, they used to be a perfect fit and now it’s slightly off,” his words were like a knife in my stomach. I hadn’t noticed. I was blind to it. No matter how much weight I may lose, or how much an eating disorder would change me, I would always be blind to it. Channel wasn't though, Chanyeol saw me waste away clearer than my own eyes could. 

I held back tears but he didn’t. I saw a small drop slide down his cheek and drip onto his hand. He pulled his hand away from mine to wipe his cheek. He looked at me, ready to say something. I could see the red around his eyes, filled with worry. I never meant to worry him like this. 

 

“Baek, they want to send you to a treatment center. Is that something you want? I mean, you probably don’t want it, I know. But you need to get better Baekyun and I don’t think it’s going to happen on your own.” By now he was looking away from me, hiding the tears on his cheeks, trying to hide that he was crying. But I knew. I knew him too well. 

I knew this conversation was coming. Treatment center. A prison where they force food down your throat, weigh your fattened figure, and ask you unlimited questions about how shitty you feel about gaining weight. Treatment centers are usually filled with teenage girls and the only time I’ve been to one, I was the only boy. I hated it. I didn’t mind girls, but I felt alone, isolated. Like there was something wrong with me. Boys didn’t have eating disorders. It made me feel like there was something very wrong with me. Like I was completely abnormal. 

“No.” I said, making sure my tone was clear, “I will not go.” 

Chanyeol let out a sigh. I could tell my answer pained and frustrated him. Of course I wanted to make him happy, but I wouldn’t subject myself to that hell. I knew this wouldn’t be end of the conversation about treatment though. It would most definitely be brought up later. If not by Chanyeol, then by annoying doctors who are certain they know what’s best for me. 

I will continue to refuse to go. I know what is best for myself. Nobody can change my mind. I don’t even think I want “recovery” or whatever you want to call it. I don’t want food shoved down my throat. But I also want to make Chanyeol happy. I make him sad. I’m pathetically depressing to him. I don’t deserve someone like Chanyeol but I can’t give him up either. I need to try to make him happy. 

“Baekyun?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you stop eating?”

“I wish I knew, Chanyeollie, I wish I knew.” 

With that he leaned down, taking my hand in his again. He lay on my chest and closed his eyes. It was calming, having him here with me. It wasn’t long before I closed my eyes, too.


	3. For You

Chanyeol’s POV

As expected, the other members were wondering what had happened to Baekhyun. My phone was in a constant state of buzzing and lighting up. This was slightly annoying but understandable. For the first day, I ignored my phone, promising myself that I would only focus on Baekhyun. He was the most important thing and our friends could wait a little while. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t die of suspense. 

I was the only one here for Baekhyun. He did have parents, I think, but I had never met them and it was pretty clear that Baekhyun had lost connection with them. During our trainee days, everyone was always getting calls from their parents, skyping them and talking on the phone. The other members talked about how much they missed home. Baekhyun didn’t though. He was always unusually quiet whenever anyone started talking about home or their family. He didn’t mention them and never went home for holidays like the others. I had asked him about it once. He told me he had parents but he didn’t want to delve any more into the subject. I left it alone ever since then. 

It had been a day since the rehearsal when he collapsed. I figured that it was time to at least text the other members back so they wouldn’t be too worried. If I waited any longer, they would probably show up to the hospital and be their annoying selves. And I’m pretty sure the last thing Baekhyun wanted at this moment was 11 people crowding around him asking him a million questions. 

I left Baekhyun’s room, my phone in my hand, looking back at him, “We gotta let them know you’re okay,” I explained, “or they will show up here and do you really want Sehun jumping all over you?” I asked him trying to cheer up the situation by joking around. Unfortunately, my joking manner didn’t seem to be working. He still had lots of worry in his eyes, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell them the whole truth.” Relief washed over his face. I left the room, looking at the missed messages and calls on my phone. 

Suho seemed to be the most worried, judging by the abundance of text messages and missed calls from him. This seemed typical. He always wanted to make sure we were okay. I was surprised he didn’t come to the hospital and murder me yet for not replying to his messages right away. I searched through my other text messages, not bothering to read all of them because they probably all said the same thing, looking for the group chat that the 12 of us shared. I didn’t feel like calling all of them as I had originally planned. It seemed like too much effort. A group text would do. Finding the chat I typed, No need to fret any longer boys, we’re okay. :) I pressed send and placed my phone in my back pocket, strolling back towards Baekhyun. 

I was taking Baekhyun back home today. He wasn’t going to a treatment center. That’s what he had decided and I decided to respect his decision. Everyone had their reasons. I just hoped his reasons were the right ones. Even if he was just going home with me, he was going to get better. He said that he was prepared to take the steps to get better. It worried me. Of course it did. How could it not? Damn that boy and the way he worried me. However, we did live together and I would be there for him. I knew how to cook. I knew what he liked. I wouldn’t dare let him relapse. 

The doctor had talked to Baekhyun, asking him lots of questions and set him up for appointments and with a nutritionist. The doctor also talked to me. I would be making sure the followed the meal plan and went to his appointments. I could tell that Baekhyun hated it like this. He didn’t want anyone to police his life. He was a grown adult, he wanted to manage himself. But he would have to let me help him. I couldn’t let him destroy himself. 

Later that day, I was to take him home. My car was still at the dance studio down the road so we decided it would be a good idea to walk there together. We both needed some fresh air anyways. The hospital is not a fun place to be stuffed up for a long time. I could understand why he wanted to go home. It was a pretty day outside. It was cloudy but not cold and gloomy. There was a slight breeze, just enough that you might need a jacket. Baekhyun’s hair was messy in the wind. I loved the way the wind blew his hair. Soft, blonde strands flying in the breeze yet always seeming to fall messily back into place when he shook his head a bit. 

I glanced at his pale hands, hanging at his sides, his thin fingers curled slightly around the end of his t-shirt. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to reach for it and feel the way it fit perfectly in mine. But I figured that he wouldn’t want to. I had been hovering over him for a while, paying all my attention to him, and he probably wanted to be left alone for a little bit. I tried to walk as close to his side a possible though, longing to feel closer to him. Our walk to the car was silent and calming, the kind of quiet that I found relaxing in his presence. 

When we got to my vehicle he stopped before getting in, “Chanyeol.” My name barely left his lips, so quietly, though I loved the way my name rolled off his tongue.

“Baekhyun,” I replied, us both getting into the car. I know, that wasn’t the right reply, but I just wanted to say his name, to feel the syllables roll of my lips. 

He continued anyways, “Chanyeol, please don’t let me burden you. You don’t have to feel obligated to do anything for me.” 

I started the car and looked over at him. He was perfect. His skin flawlessly pale, lips soft and slightly pink, eyes shaped perfect to match his cheeks. His hair hung in such a way, falling seamlessly over his forehead. His jawline was soft and his arms were the kind of arms I longed to feel wrapped around me. He sat, staring at his hands in his lap, slightly slouched. His pale blue shirt was slightly oversized, showing his collarbone. The way his collar bone stuck out of his skin, sharp like pieces of glass, made me worry, but I still found beauty in it. He saw me staring at his collarbone and he pulled up his shirt to mask it. 

“Baek.” 

“Yeah?” he said, looking up in my eyes, his brow slightly furrowed. I saw more color in his face than I had seen in awhile. There was a slight pink brushing his cheeks, making him look more alive. I wanted to kiss his cheeks, they looked so soft but I could see him waiting for my response, so I shook the thought out of my head. 

“You know you mean the world to me right?” He didn’t respond, he just glanced away, looking out the window, his eyes lay on nothing in particular, only trying to avoid my gaze. 

“Baekhyun. Listen to me.” He turned his head back towards me, letting his hair cover his face as if he were hiding, hesitating to look me directly in the eyes. “I need you just as much, maybe even more, than you need me. I’ve been worrying about you for months, Baek. But it doesn’t matter because I would worry about you no matter what. That what happens when you care about someone, you worry about them, even when they’re perfectly fine. It’s because I care about you Baekhyun. So much.” 

I could see my words processing in his face. He was staring at his hands. He didn’t respond to what I said. I understood. I didn’t expect him to. So, I started to speak again, “You have to try, Baek. For me?” I looked away for a moment, thoughts filling my head. Even though this had little to with me, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. If I’d have tried harder to save him…. 

My thoughts were interrupted when Baekhyun replied, myself looking up to meet his eyes. I noticed he was finally looking me directly in the eyes instead of being afraid, “For you.” 

\-----------

That night I cooked Baekhyun dinner. I knew he loved pasta so I made spaghetti. Pasta was one of the few things I usually made. My diet was pretty boring, actually. I usually ate pasta, rice, or potatoes. Baekhyun used to make fun of me for it but I knew that I made a d*mn good bowl of spaghetti. I knew he might not want to eat it but he willingly sat down at the table with me. I had made the whole box of pasta, knowing it would all be eaten but I was to lazy to guess how much we needed. Does anyone really know how to measure a proper amount of pasta? I had put a lot in his bowl, more than enough, hoping it would will him to eat more, looking at him and waiting for him to take the first bite. 

“You can stop staring,” he said, noticing my obvious stares at him, watching him to see if he would eat and how much he would eat. 

“Sorry,” I said, a bit embarrassed that I was making this awkward for him. I looked away but I was still trying to watch him out of the corner of my eye. I noticed he tossed the noodles with his fork a lot, playing with his food rather than eating it. When he did finally pick up a forkful to eat, it was barely a forkful and he only nibbled on it, taking the smallest bites probably possible. I thought about saying something, thought about willing him to eat more and take bigger bites, but at least he was eating something, and that made me happy for now. 

I started to relax a bit, actually trying to eat my own bowl of pasta instead of focusing all of my attention on Baekhyun. While I had been watching him, my pasta had started to get cold so it wasn’t exactly the most appetizing but I ate in anyways. I had barely eaten anything before Baekhyun got up from his chair. I looked up to him, noodles still hanging out of my mouth. 

“I’m tired,” he said, “I’m going to take a shower,” he sighed. 

“O-okay,” I replied, moving my eyes to his bowl. He hadn’t even eaten half of it. But it was something. A small step in the right direction, I suppose. I didn’t want to force him. He was an adult so I shouldn’t baby him. 

I cleaned up the table quickly, seeing how his pasta was significantly chopped up from him messing with it more than actually eating it. I cleaned up, rinsing out the bowls, leaving them to was later, and made my way to my bedroom. As I passed by the bathroom door, I stopped, thinking I should see if he was okay. What if he had made himself throw up? I didn’t think he had ever done that before but I didn’t know for sure. I leaned sideways, my ear touching the wooden door, door handle pressing into my side, trying not to make a sound and give away that I was there. All I heard was the shower. A wave of relief washed over me. That was good right? He would be okay, right? I did have to give him some privacy. He wasn’t going to actually get better if he didn’t want to himself. 

I heard the shower turn off and I rushed to my room. I didn’t want him to know that I was basically spying on him. Although, I suppose he probably expected it. 

I flopped on my bed and realized I was tired. Very tired. My bed felt so soft and warm, the pillows so fluffy. I was so ready to fall asleep. It hadn’t crossed my mind until now, but I hadn’t slept in a long time. I was too worried about Baekhyun to take any short naps at the hospital. I almost fell asleep right there on my pillow but I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. I glanced towards my open door, and waited for Baekhyun to pass by. I saw a flash of him, towel around his waist, ribs poking out a little, skinnier than he should be. I sighed stressfully when I knew he couldn’t hear. Why can’t he see he’s so beautiful? 

\--------------------

I awoke the next morning. My clothes were still on. I must’ve fallen asleep without realizing it after dinner. It was okay though. I needed the sleep anyways. 

I squinted at the sunlight peeking through the crack in my white curtains across the room, trying to find my phone to check the phone. 9:27 a.m. It was Saturday. 

My thoughts immediately traveled to Baekhyun. 

Breakfast. He needed to eat breakfast. 

I reluctantly dragged myself out of my bed, pajamas still on, hair a mess, and trudged to the kitchen, opening the fridge, a blast of cold air hitting me. We had barely anything left to eat, unsurprisingly. We would have to go grocery shopping today. Baekhyun hadn’t been grocery shopping in months. He always made me do the shopping. But I was going to drag his cute butt to the store today whether he liked it or not. 

The only thing we really had for breakfast was cereal so it would have to do. Even though I wasn’t a huge cereal fan, I knew Baekhyun liked Cinnamon Toast Crunch a lot. Or he used to at least. He used to get cravings for it back in our trainee days and he would leave the house at midnight just to go to the convenience store down the street to buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I think the only reason that store started stocking Cinnamon Toast Crunch was because of Baekhyun. He probably used to keep them in business just by the amount of Cinnamon Toast Crunch he would buy back in those days. I would wake up in the middle of the night, wondering who was making noise, and I would find Baekhyun in the kitchen shoving spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth. I remember Jongdae tried to sneak some of his cereal to eat one day and Baekhyun nearly killed him before Suho had to pull Baekhyun off of him. That was the last time anyone tried to touch Baekhyun’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The last time Baekhyun had eaten the cereal had to be months ago. I longed to see his joy for something as simple as Cinnamon Toast Crunch again. 

A few minutes later, Baek came out of his room, still wearing blue and green plaid pajama pants and a baggy white t-shirt. His hair was such a mess, blonde strands sticking out in every direction. It was adorable. I longed to run my fingers through his mop of hair and wrap my arms around him. I quickly shook the thought out of my mind and brought my head back to the important thing here. Cereal. 

“We have Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” I said, he didn’t reply. But he did sit down at the table. And he did pour himself a bowl of the cereal, which brought a small smile to my face. 

He looked around. “Milk?” he asked, looking confused. 

“Oh. Yeah,” I said, a dash to the fridge, pulling out a carton of almond milk and smelling it, “This is still good,” I stated, practically pushing the carton into his hands. 

“A little eager there?” He asked, laughing a bit. There it was, the smile I loved, slightly square shaped, lighting up his eyes and forcing my cheeks into a smile as well.

His bowl was a normal serving, with an about equal ratio of cereal to milk, as he always had it. I couldn’t help but smile again as I poured myself a bowl because I figured if he had poured his own, he would be eating it all. I hoped he would be eating it all. 

“We’re going to the grocery store today,” I told him, not knowing what to expect back. 

“Ok, have fun,” I was pretty sure he had heard the ‘we’ in my sentence and was choosing to ignore it. 

I sighed, “No, Baek. You’re coming with me.”

“What, why? Can’t I just stay here. You know what I like and I hate the grocery store anyways.” He started getting a little defensive about it. 

“I think you know why you have to come with me. Please, Baekhyun.” 

I remember months ago when we would always go grocery shopping together, Baekhyun throwing sugary snacks into the cart when I wasn’t looking and me taking them out of the cart and placing them back on the shelves when he had his back turned. I was glad he lived with me because I don’t think he would’ve eaten anything besides Twinkies, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Twix Bars if he lived on his own. We balanced each other out in a way. I made sure he ate like a normal human being and he made sure we weren’t eating completely boring foods. Of course, that had changed. I went back to my boring foods and he started to eat less. But with time, I think we can get that balance back. 

I brought my focus back to a frustrated looking Baekhyun, “Fine,” he snapped, clearly not happy with me forcing him on a trip to the grocery store later. I wanted to try and fix things, not wanting to leave the conversation unhappy, but I don’t think there was much I could say to make it better. I had to accept that there were going to be times like these if he was going to get better. It couldn’t always be happy happy joy joy. That’s not how life worked no matter how hard I tried to be the happy virus, sometimes it wasn’t always the time for a happy virus. 

Baekhyun used to be a happy virus just as much as I am. He was my light, everyone’s light. He was obnoxiously loud and hilarious, but in a way that made everyone happy and pushed everyone to have fun. He was never annoying to me. He was just a ball of sunshine. But I guess an eating disorder took away his light and he got lost in the darkness. I found it hard to see in the dark, too. 

While I was thinking, he had gotten up to go to his room and get dressed, putting his bowl by the sink. I had barely noticed him leave. I went to the sink and I saw that his bowl was empty except for a many little crumbs of cinnamon floating in the almond milk. I rinsed out the bowl, happily. Small steps. 

\--------------

Baekhyun’s POV

Chanyeol had dragged me to the grocery store. Well, reluctantly, I came here on my own will, mostly wanting to make Chanyeol happy, even though I would much rather be at home watching a drama. But making Chanyeol happy was much more important that watching dramas, so here I was at the grocery store, pushing the cart while Chanyeol was picking up every apple, checking for imperfections. 

“Do you want red apples or green apples?” Chanyeol asked, tossing an apple back and forth between his hands. 

“Red, of course. Ew, who eats green apples?” Even though I hadn’t eaten an apple in while, I still had a very strong opinion on the right kind of apple. 

“I like green apples,” Chanyeol replied. 

“Are you serious, why? I don’t think I can be friends with you anymore after this apple dilemma.”

“What do you mean, why? They’re delicious and tart,” he was very confident in his answer. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who felt strongly about the right color of apples one should be eating. 

“They taste like a rat’s a**hole.” 

“And how would you know what that tastes like?” 

“You don’t know me.”

“Ha,” he said, obviously laughing at my reply, and pulling his arms around my waist, hitting me playfully with the bag of red apples. We both started laughing. He did know me and he knew me well. I had to admit I missed this, laughing together with Chanyeol. Maybe there was some substance to the saying, ‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.’ I felt ultimately better. 

Seconds later I heard a voice, “Of course you two would be the ones to cause so much ruckus in a grocery store. I see Baekhyun must be okay because you seem to be beating him with a bag of fruit.”

It was Sehun, Suho trailing behind him. I saw they were holding hands. I would have to tease them about that later. 

“Oh please, Sehun,” I replied, “Like you’re a quiet little goody two shoes in public.”

“I’ll have you know that I have never been arrested for making too much noise in public.” Sehun said, a haughty smirk on his face. 

“Oh, wow, how accomplished you are Oh Sehun.” I said, bowing to him as if he were royalty. 

“Well, there was that one time…” Suho piped up, looking up at Sehun, teasingly, a smirk spreading across his face. 

“We promised never to speak of that,” Sehun said, “Now wipe that grin off your face.” Sehun slapped Suho’s a**. 

“Sehun, I’ll get you back for that,” Suho said pointing a finger at Sehun. 

“I guess we shouldn’t ask about ‘that one time’,” Chanyeol said, playfully rolling his eyes at their obvious romance. 

“Anyways, you guys should come to our house tonight. We’re watching some movies. There’ll be snacks,” Suho said invitingly. 

“See you there,” Chanyeol confirmed, before I could decide. 

“Great,” Suho smiled, “Now let’s go Sehun. We need to buy some oreos be cause someone ate all of mine,” and Suho practically stomped away, Sehun trailing behind him like a puppy dog, us laughing at them. 

I wanted what they had. They wouldn’t really admit it, but everyone knew they were a thing. I hoped someday I could deserve a relationship like that. 

I glanced at Chanyeol and he gave me that smile of his, nothing in the world looked happier than that smile, or reassured me more than his smile

“C’mon, let’s finish shopping,” I said, taking Chanyeol’s hand in mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m hoping this is better because it’s a little bit longer than the past chapter. I’m a little proud of myself. I think I know where the story is going, at least for the next couple chapters or so. I don’t have a complete outline though because I didn’t originally plan on this being a chaptered fic.   
> Thanks to everyone who read this! (Also, I love comments and suggestions.) <3


	4. Closer

Chanyeol's POV

“Hey, look who showed up!” Jongin shouted playfully as Baekhyun and I walked through the door of Suho’s large apartment. Kyungsoo smacked him with a pillow for his comment. Kyungsoo never passed up a chance to smack any of us. 

“We’re glad to see you two,” Kyungsoo said, smiling, but quickly turning to Jongin continuing to smack him with the pillow, causing me to laugh. 

“Glad to see you too, Satansoo,” I replied, eliciting a death glare in my direction from Kyungsoo for the comment. I a little bit behind Baekhyun to shelter myself in case Kyungsoo tried to murder me but it was all good. 

I dragged Baekhyun by the hand over to one of the couches and made him sit down with me. I was surprised he let me pull him by the arm, considering how little he liked to babied. I supposed he was just in a good mood today. 

Our group of friends always got together at Suho’s place because it was the biggest, the nicest, and he always had the best snacks, thanks to the help of Sehun. Sehun didn’t really live with Suho but he spent most of his time at Suho’s place. We all wondered why Sehun didn’t just move in already. 

Sehun always managed to look very noodly despite the endless snacks he kept on hand, always shoving food down his throat. Every time I saw Sehun he had a different food in his hands. He was the king of snacks. He was actually very willing to share his snacks, too. So, if you hung around Sehun, you couldn’t go hungry. 

“Is everyone here?” Suho asked all of us. 

“I think so,” Jongdae replies, mouth full of potato chips, Luhan swiping the bag of chips away from him. 

“Hey!” shouted Jongdae, getting up to chase Luhan. But Luhan wasn’t in the mood to get up so Jongdae just jumped on top of him, crushing him, Luhan at Jongdae’s mercy. Jongdae just continued to sit on top of Luhan, shoving potato chips in his mouth and smiling while Luhan wiggled underneath him, struggling and punching Jongdae’s back. But he didn’t seem to notice the suffering Luhan underneath him. Jongdae let out an evil laugh. 

“Ladies! Ladies! You’re both pretty!” Sehun said, failing to calm the atmosphere, but causing the rest of us to laugh. Minseok finally got up, and with minimal force, pushed Jongdae off of Luhan, claiming the chips for his own. Nobody fought him on this one. Minseok may be small, but he was definitely stronger than Luhan and Jongdae. 

“Aren’t we here to watch a movie?” Yixing asked, looking confused. Then again, he a permanently confused expression on his face at all times. 

“Yeah, what are we watching?” questioned Jongin. I noticed he was running his fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair and Kyungsoo was letting him. I guess Satansoo didn’t hate everyone. 

“The Human Centipede!” Jongdae excitedly suggested. 

“We most certainly do not have that movie,” Suho said, looking at Jongdae, hands on his hips, looking as if he was about to scold Jongdae. Jongdae just looked up at Suho with a smirk on his face. 

“We can always find it on the internet,” Jongdae annoyed Suho further.

I quickly realized that at this rate, we would never pick a movie if someone didn’t take action. 

“I’m gonna look through your movies,” I said, moving from my spot on the couch and opening up Suho’s tv cabinet, “Let’s see……how about Frozen?”

“I vote yes!” Luhan said almost too enthusiastically, everyone slightly jumping at his gleeful exclamation. He looked like a small child on Christmas. Minseok scooted away from him, looking frightened at Luhan’s very obvious love for Frozen. 

“I am not listening to that snowman drone on for the next two hours,” Kyungsoo replied, looking as if he was about to kill the next person who mentioned the movie. I saw Luhan cross his arms, pouting. Who knew Luhan would be such a Frozen fan? No matter how much he wanted to deny it, he was more of a little girl than a manly man, not that any of us had a problem with it. 

“Here, I’ll help,” Baekhyun spoke up for what I assumed was the first time since we got to Suho’s place. He crawled over to the tv cabinet and seated himself next to me, legs crossed, digging through the movie collection. As expected from Suho, the movies were perfectly organized. It gave me some evil joy to mess up his clean area. 

“Oh. My. God.” I heard from Baekhyun only seconds letter. I looked at him curiously. He was holding up a movie, “You guys we have to watch it,” he said, very determined. 

“High School Musical 2?” I asked, “Isn’t that for, like, 12 year old girls? Also, why 2?”

“Yes, High School Musical 2! Have you never seen this?” He said a bit defensively. 

I was a bit confused, “No, I haven’t seen it. Wait, Suho, why do you have this movie?” I asked. 

Suho was about to reply before Sehun spoke for him, “Uuummmm, do you not have this movie? It’s the best High School Musical Movie, obviously!” Sehun explained, and I quickly realized I may have been the only one in our group of friends who wasn’t absolutely in love with this dumb Disney Channel movie. 

Before I had time to reply to Sehun’s cries of delight for High School Musical 2, Baekhyun spoke up, “All for watching High School Musical 2 raise your hands.” Everyone raised their hands, even Kyungsoo, except for me because I had no idea what the big deal was about High School Musical 2. 

I gave Kyungsoo a look of even you? but he just shrugged back at me, leaving me alone in this crowd of High School Musical fanboys. 

Sehun snatched the movie out of Baekhyun’s hand and put it into the DVD player while Baekhyun and I reclaimed our spots on Suho’s couch. 

As the movie played, I quickly realized what I had been missing. Everyone was singing along to Sharpay’s ‘Fabulous’ and caught up in Zac Efron’s cheezily dramatic performance of ‘Bet On It’. Even Baekhyun was singing and laughing as loud and obnoxiously as his heart allowed. This movie was a terribly amazing piece of film. Why hadn’t I seen this before? I’m was disappointed in everyone I had ever met before in my life for not showing me this movie. 

So enthralled in the movie, I had barely noticed that Baekhyun and I had gotten closer. I was on the end of the couch, leaning in the armrest, his head on my lap, my hand running through his blonde hair, as soft as ever. My other hand was intertwined with his. It felt like electricity. In a room full of people, it was too dark for anyone to notice how close we were, but even if they did notice, it wouldn’t have mattered, it felt so natural to be this close to Baekhyun. 

As Suho had gotten up to turn the lights on after the movie was over, I realized Baekhyun had fallen asleep on me. He always fell asleep to easily. He looked beautiful when he was sleeping, mouth slightly parted, cheeks tinged with red, eyelashes long and slightly brushing his cheek. I stroked his cheek with my thumb, noticing a few faint freckles on the top of his cheeks. How was it possible for this boy to look so perfect? 

I checked the time on my phone. 10:02 p.m. 

“Well, Baekhyun and I better get going,” I announced, waking Baekhyun up by gently shaking his shoulders and poking his cheeks. 

 

\-----------------------

The drive home was quiet. Me glancing at Baekhyun, Baekhyun glancing me. He looked away when I noticed him staring. When he noticed my glances at him, I just kept staring. I didn’t really care if he knew that I was staring. He was so beautiful and I wanted him to know it. After about the fifth time he had caught me staring at him his had resulted in just a constant stare out of the window on his side, his eyes shutting for too long sometimes, but never letting himself fall asleep. 

I should have been focusing on the road but my eyes traveled to him, focused on the way his jaw line connected effortlessly to his ear. What I wouldn’t give....but I didn’t let myself finish the thought. I focused my eyes on the road, impossibly trying to free my thoughts from Baekhyun.

I hadn’t ever fallen in love with anyone in my life. But what I had with Baekhyun had to be love. I loved him. Even if he didn’t feel the same, I still loved him. In his case, it was platonic as far as I knew. In my case, I wanted to kiss Baekhyun, feel his soft lips on my own, and run my hand through his hair. It was hard to live with him and not let my feelings show. But sometimes, when he slept close to me, when he let me link my fingers with his, when his gaze lingered with mine for just a little longer, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he could feel the same way about me that I so desperately felt about him. 

\-------------------------

I fished out my key from my pocket, unlocking my apartment and allowing Baekhyun to go inside before me. 

He seemed different at the moment. Even though he hadn’t talked much at the party, he didn’t seem upset at all. In fact, from my eyes, he looked a little happy. Color was back to his cheeks from laughter. His laughter had sounded like nothing ever could to me. The frown was gone from his face, not exactly a smile, but his lips were slightly curled up. I wanted to see Baekhyun laugh and smile like he had earlier more often. 

Much to my surprise, as soon as he walked into the door, he went straight to the kitchen, a place I hadn’t recently seen him dare travel to. His hand reached for the cabinet doors, opening it and grabbing a bag of popcorn. I wanted to comment, to say something about how I was happy he was eating. but I knew it was better to leave it alone, to show him it was normal to eat, because that’s what he needed. He needed to see the normality of eating food when he wanted to eat food. 

It was late and I figured he would want to go to bed but he sat on the couch instead. I plopped down next to him. I was tired and I knew he was tired, too. 

“Netflix?” he asked me, turning my way, putting some popcorn in his mouth. His eyes seemed wider, brighter than usual, a sight I quite enjoyed. We had just watched a movie at Suho’s house but it wasn’t that late and it was always a good time for Netflix. Any time spent near Baekhyun was time I was very willing to spend. 

“Yeah, of course,” I replied. I let him pick the show. He picked something that I didn’t know the name of. I honestly didn’t care what we watched, so long as our bodies were close. 

Not long into the first episode, I felt Baekhyun’s head rest on my shoulder. My heart skipped just a little bit as I rested my head on his, feeling his soft hair against my cheek, feeling very comfortable lying here like this. 

I saw his eyes close and felt his breathing slow, his calming sleep lulling me to fall asleep, too. Sleep felt more peaceful with Baekhyun by my side. 

I woke up at about one in the morning, feeling a shiver of cold without Baekhyun’s presence near me, his head gone from my shoulder.

I got up and heard a few noises coming from the kitchen. He must’ve gotten up to get water, something he did often. He wasn’t really someone to sleep all the way through the night. I walked to the kitchen, too, catching sight of him by the sink, a glass of water in his hand, sipping some water every few seconds. 

“You going to bed in your room?” I asked him. Though, I shouldn’t have asked. I should’ve led him back to the couch. I wanted to sleep with him by my side. 

“Yeah,” he replied, setting his glass down. His hair was messier than ever, sticking up straight in the back and fuzzy strands going the wrong way. His shirt was wrinkled, a baggy cardigan over the top. His cheeks were red, creases on the left side of his face from sleeping on my shirt. 

“You look tired,” I said, walking towards him, close enough to him that our bodies were almost touching. 

“Mhm,” he said. He looked tense. I felt tense. It’s not like we weren’t ever this close before but this time it felt different. 

My eyes moved to his lips. His mouth was slightly parted. My breathing grew quicker. I tried to make it not noticeable. I gulped and took a deep breath. It was now or never. 

I put my arm around his waist, looking into his eyes as he looked into mine, not saying anything. I couldn’t read his face. 

My hand reached to touch his right cheek and I leaned in, my lips brushing his, kissing him softly. His lips were soft and they tasted like cotton candy, innocent and sweet. My left hand brushed the back of his hair, as he kissed me back, so gentle I could barely feel it. The moment was pure and alive. I wanted to keep it forever, to hold him forever in my arms, never letting him go. 

But the moment ended too quickly. 

Baekhyun pulled away, allowing my arms to leave him and fall to my sides, both our lips swollen, missing his touch as soon as it left mine. He was looking down, avoiding my gaze. I grew nervous with each coming second, wanting him to look me in the eyes. 

“Say something,” I said, barely a whisper. He turned away, “Baek?” I said, even quieter, worried.

“Chanyeol….” he said, his head turning towards me but turning away before I could read his expression. 

I stepped towards him, reaching for his hand, wanting to wrap my hand in his, but he pulled away, leaving me with an empty feeling. 

“Chanyeol…. I- I can’t. We’re only friends….” and he walked away down the unlit hallway leading to his room, leaving me to fall apart under the lights of the dimly lit kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is kind of short but I have been really busy. I will be able to write more hopefully next week. Yay!  
> I feel really evil for writing that ending to this chapter but I had a lot of fun writing the scene. Mwahahahahah. I love being evil. I feel that writing sad is the only real think I know how to write.   
> Anyways, I love feeback so it would be awesome if you left comments to tell me what you thought!


	5. Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, basically I feel like this Halsey lyric fits this chapter really well so here you go:  
> "All we do is drive. All we do is think about the feelings that we hide."   
> This lyric was a bit of inspiration for this chapter.

Baekhyun’s POV

I couldn’t sleep that night. My head hurt. All I could think about was what I said. How I never saw the look on his face when I turned around. 

I hurt Chanyeol, something I never wanted to do, but something I had to do. I had to keep a distance from him. 

Every time I thought about it, I felt the uncontrollable urge to cry, to go apologize to him, let him know that I was so sorry, and that I felt the same way about him, to let him know the truth. But I couldn’t. Even though it was all I could think about, I had to act like it never happened. 

Why?

Because Chanyeol deserved better than me.

It’s not like I didn’t like Chanyeol. I loved him. That kiss felt unbearably right and I couldn’t help myself but to kiss him back. But I couldn’t have it. We couldn’t. 

He would eventually move on. He would find someone worlds better than me and he would be happy. 

I didn’t want face him but at the same time I so desperately wanted to face him. I knew when I had to see him, I would have to keep quiet no matter how hard I wanted to apologize and hug him and kiss him again and again and again. I would act like it never happened, no matter how much it hurt. He would get over it. I would get over it. We would get over it. 

I had been sitting in my bed, awake and crying, for hours. It was 10 a.m. My throat was dry, my cheeks raw from wiping away tears. My joints were sore and my mind wasn’t even close to being clear. I didn’t think it would ever be at this point. 

I finally got up and left my room, going straight to the bathroom to shower, hoping that maybe a shower would cleanse me of some of the guilt I was feeling. 

The water was cold, not that it made much of a difference, I didn’t feel capable of feeling any warmth at the moment. The shower was short because I couldn’t stand shivering like that for much longer, not matter how right it did feel to be cold. 

I went to my room to get dressed, not bothering to comb my hair or wear nice clothing, slipping into sweatpants and a sweatshirt. 

As I walked to the kitchen, I passed by Chanyeol’s room, noticing the door was open and I didn’t see him inside. I pushed the door fully open and stepped inside, making sure he was nowhere to be found. I sat on his bed. I felt tense, as if he was watching. I didn’t want him to catch me because that would mean facing him and the look on his face would be more than I could handle at the moment. 

His room was neither messy nor clean, just a few things here and there. He had a few vanilla scented candles, the same scent I wore on my neck. There were piles of clothes which I assumed were in some messy form of organization only Chanyeol had the capability of understanding. 

I lay down on his bed. His comforter was soft and it smelled like him, a smell that I couldn’t quite describe besides just saying it smelled like Chanyeol. Laying on his pillow felt like home but I knew this was just making it worse, making me feel worse about what I had done. I shouldn’t be here. 

I left his room and walked around the apartment, checking the kitchen, living room, and bathroom, looking for Chanyeol but he was nowhere to be found. He must’ve left because he didn’t want to see me. 

I went to find my phone to text Kyungsoo. My phone was still sitting on the couch, there since last night, battery almost empty. Kyungsoo always seemed to be hanging out with Chanyeol. I figured he would know where Chanyeol was if he wasn’t actually with him at the moment or at least he would be able to find out where Chanyeol was. Chanyeol was probably using everything in his current power to avoid me, and I didn’t blame him. However, I at least had to make sure that Chanyeol was safe, I couldn’t ignore his well being when he had spent so much time making sure of mine. 

I found Kyungsoo in my contacts list and typed out a message:

Hey, do you know where Chanyeol is? 

I didn’t know how Chanyeol was currently reacting but I could only hope it wasn’t absolutely terrible. I felt like such a terrible human being. I was a terrible human being. Last night was all the more of a reason why Chanyeol didn’t deserve me. 

I got myself a glass of water and lay on the couch, turning on the tv to watch whatever happened to be on, knowing well that I couldn’t really pay attention to any tv show at the moment. There was too much on my mind to distract me from it. 

About 5 minutes later I received a reply from Kyungsoo:

He’s at the studio with me. He seems to want to be left alone. I’m about to leave the studio. Why? 

I replied right away: 

Just wondering. He didn’t tell me he left. 

I received a worried reply from Kyungsoo:

Everything okay with you two?

I hesitated only slightly before sending a reply:

Yeah, of course. :) 

When Chanyeol was stressed or had something on his mind, he tended to put all his effort into his music. Although I hated seeing him sad or stressed, I had to admit that it truly made for some good songwriting. It wasn’t a surprise that he was at the studio. I knew I shouldn’t bother him at the moment so I let it go. At least I knew where he was for the moment. I tried to relax but it wasn’t going to happen. I was on edge and the empty feeling in my chest didn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. 

\---------------------------

Chanyeol’s POV

I checked my phone for the first time since I woke up this morning. It was 5:00 p.m. I had been at the studio all day, trying to work on music, getting up early in the morning to avoid Baekhyun. Avoiding him was usually the last thing I would ever want to do but I had a right to be selfish at the moment. I needed to calm down. I needed to forget about kissing him so that maybe we could go back to the way our friendship was before last night. With the way I was feeling now, it seemed unlikely. But I knew that I eventually had to try. 

I had gotten some songwriting done. Kyungsoo had tried to help me with some lyrics but I told him I wanted to be left alone. I hated the song I had written. It wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was overreacting. But I couldn’t help but think that Baekhyun’s voice would sound perfect singing it. And that was the last thing I wanted to think about right now. Baekhyun usually helped me with lyrics, too. Although Kyungsoo was good help sometimes, also. I hadn’t talked to Baekhyun since last night. It felt like longer but I wasn’t about to reach out to him now that I was so sure that he didn’t love me the way that I loved him. 

I had to get out of here. I couldn’t stand being cooped up in my studio for this long when I could think about was him. Before, spending a day in the studio, working on music, never failed to make me feel better. It didn’t take much to bring me back to my usual happy self. But this time…this time I couldn’t shake the feeling that Baekhyun had left me in. Not even music, my happy place, could fix it. 

I couldn’t stay in this city, couldn’t be anywhere near where Baekhyun was right now. There was no way I could get over him if we had to sleep in the same house tonight. I didn’t have much of a solution to this problem. If I was going somewhere far, I would have to go home to get some things. But I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have many doubts that Baekhyun was still in the apartment. 

So I just got in my car and drove, taking nothing but myself and the money left in my pocket with me. There was nothing on our schedule for the week. We had a few days off, so there wasn’t anything stopping me. Nothing willed me to turn around and I was glad for it. 

\------------------------

I drove in silence, the calming sound of my car running against the road making my nerves ever so slightly diminished. The roads were calm, it seemed to me as if nobody else was driving. I didn’t have to slow down once. Tree after tree, car after car, gas station after gas station I just kept breathing, eyes open, my foot on the gas pedal. They all passed me but I kept looking forward, trying to think of nothing, trying to leave my mind a blank slate. It was almost working. 

\---------------------------------

I had been driving for 5 hours when I finally pulled into a rest stop. I was tired, barely able to keep my eyes open anymore, and I needed water. I reached to grab my phone and check to see if anyone had texted me but I realized I had left my phone at the studio. I didn’t even care. I didn’t really want to be contacted anyways. I felt better being alone right now. 

But I had a small amount of worry welling in the pit of my stomach. For Baekhyun. I wasn’t there to take care of him. He was alone. And he might be doing fine. I hoped he was doing fine. But in reality he probably wasn’t. 

\--------------------

I slept in my car that night, though my sleep was mostly restless. No matter how tired I thought I was, my eyes had to be forced shut or they wouldn’t close at all. It was slightly chilly and I was too tall for the confined space of my small vehicle, making my legs cramp up and my left foot kept falling asleep. It wasn’t comfortable but right now it would have to do. It was better than trying to act like I was fine in the same apartment as Baekhyun. 

But at about 2 am I decided that there wasn’t any use in trying to sleep anymore. It wasn’t going to happen. 

 

I drove again, this time towards home, my head pounding, my mouth dry.  
I turned on the radio to drown out any of my thoughts, turning the volume up with every mile, my ears pounding from the noise but I was feeling numb to it. The night was calming but eery and the loud music made me feel safer, less alone. 

But let’s face it, I was alone. Not just now. Sure, I had friends but my best friend and the person I was closest to in the world was Baekhyun. And I ruined that. It couldn’t be normal again after what happened, could it? And it was all because of me. Painstakingly my fault. 

I hadn’t cried since Baekhyun had rejected my kiss but it finally hit me when the radio started playing one of our songs, the one where Baekhyun sang most of the way. His voice like white chocolate and honey. Soundwaves that made my skin go warm and my thoughts travel to his messy hair and soft lips. And this song still meant that. But this time it felt different. It felt like the chocolate went bitter and his lips went dry. But my eyes blurred and that’s when I let myself cry, barely able to see where I was driving, but keeping speed. Because that’s what I had to do. I just had to keep going, even if I was unsure of what was was in front of me. Even if I longed even more for what was behind me. 

\--------------------------

I didn’t stop the car until I went to the studio to get my phone. My eyes were clear but it was raining outside, a cold rain that made my skin shiver in the absence of my jacket. 

I ran inside the studio trying not to get wet by the rain, trying to cover myself with my bare arms, but failing impossibly. After entering, I reached up to feel my hair. It seemed that not a drop of rain had missed my head, the water from hair dripping down my neck and onto my white t-shirt, making me even colder. My lips were shaking a bit and my t-shirt was too thin to offer any extra warmth. I just wanted to lay in my warm bed, to spend eternity in a pile of blankets and pillows. 

I was still standing by the door, looking up and wiping off my face, wet from the rain and beginning to look around one side of the studio for my phone. 

“You look cold,” I jumped at the sound of someone’s voice, not expecting anyone to be here. It was Suho, looking prim and proper as ever. 

“Uhhh... yeah. The rain…”

I continued to look for my cellphone, moving and picking up objects to check for it, not remembering exactly where I had left it because the morning was slightly fuzzy in my mind. 

“Looking for this?” Suho pulled my phone out of his pocket, holding it up. 

“Oh, yeah, thanks.” I said, taking the phone from him and checked the screen. I was glad and also surprised that it wasn’t dead. I saw a lot of text notifications but I just shut of the screen and slipped the phone in the pocket of my jeans, planning on checking it later, and looking back up at Suho. 

“Why’re you here? It’s late. Shouldn’t you be getting your beauty rest?” I questioned Suho. 

“Baek called Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo told me to check on you. I assumed you’d be here,” he paused for a second, waiting to see if I had a reply before he spoke again, “You going home now?”

“I don’t think so,” I said, looking at the floor and scratching the back of my neck, “I can’t right now.”

“You look tired, Chanyeol. How about you come to my house?,” It was more of a command than a question. He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the door. I didn’t argue with him. I wanted a place to stay anyways. Somewhere to sleep besides my own apartment. 

\-----------------------

“Here,” Suho said handing me a towel and a pile of what I assumed were Sehun’s clothes, “go take a shower.” 

I listened and walked toward the bathroom. I was actually glad to take a shower although not being in my left me with a longing. 

I removed my clothing and looked at my face in the mirror. My eyes were droopy, under eyes dark and hollow. The color had left my cheeks, not that there was ever much to begin with. My black hair only made more of a contrast to my slightly pale skin and dark circles. I looked tired and slightly sick. I clearly needed a rest. 

The water was so warm against my skin. I turned it up as far as it would go. No matter how much it burned my skin, it wasn’t hot enough. I stood there under the water, letting my skin turning red for a good ten minutes, focusing on nothing but the numbing feeling of the water against my skin. 

\----------------------

Feeling clean, and slightly odd wearing someone else’s clothes, I went to sit on the couch where Sehun and Suho were sitting. I could tell that they were trying to act like they hadn’t been waiting for me. 

I sat down on the chair opposite the couch, across from where Suho and Sehun were so obviously wrapped in each other’s arms. 

I knew that Suho would have to ask me what happened. He obviously knew something was up and “having a bad day” wasn’t going to be an allowable excuse. But I trusted Suho and I knew he would keep Sehun’s blabber mouth shut. 

“Chanyeol, what happened?” Sehun asked, Suho slapping him for being so blunt. 

“We can’t force you to tell us but you better tell us, Chanyeol,” Suho added. 

I thought about telling them I didn’t want to talk about it but that was a lie. I always wanted to talk and maybe it would relieve some of the pain to talk to someone. And they would make me talk eventually. So I told them. 

“I kissed Baek,” I spoke very quietly and looked down, beginning to pick at the lint on the sweatpants I was wearing. My nerves were making my hands shake but I just focused on my breathing. 

“Fucking finally,” Sehun said. Suho slapped him again to which Suho replied, “Well we all knew it was going to happen!”

“And then??? Chanyeol, you can’t leave us hanging like this” Suho questioned, pretty much on the edge of his seat with anticipation. 

“H-he kissed me back.”

There was a slight pause with looks of confusion on their faces, noticing that something wasn’t quite matching up. 

“Then why don’t you look happy? Why aren’t you with him right now? Where is Baekhyun? Is he okay? Are you okay?” Suho looked genuinely worried. 

“Suho! Calm yourself,” Sehun said, using his hand to cover Suho’s mouth and stop his blabbering, “but seriously Chanyeol, what the f*ck happened.”

I sighed much louder than I had expected myself to, and began to speak, barely getting the words out because I didn’t want to say them and I didn’t want to even think about it, “He said we were just friends…” I was pinching the skin around my wrist, a nervous habit I had, making my skin turn flash white and then turn reddish-pink, “I haven’t seen him since then.” 

“That little….” Sehun looked flustered, “You know he has to be lying, right? He likes you back in a more-than-friends kind of way. It’s so obvious.” 

“Clearly not,” I said, keeping my head down, my wrist turning redder the more I pinched it, “or he wouldn’t have reason to say that to me, would he?”

“You haven’t even seen him at all?” Sehun asked, “Like, not even when you left your apartment?”

Suho joined in, “Yeah, where were you all this time?”

“I went to the studio. Kyungsoo was there for a bit. Then I just drove. Slept in my car. Back to the studio to get my phone. Now I’m here.”

“You could’ve at least told someone you left,” Suho replied, like a worried mother. 

“As you already know, my phone was at the studio and besides, I didn’t want anyone to bother me.” 

“Alright,” Suho said, not happy with my answer but still glad I was okay, “Well, I’m making some rice. And Chanyeol?”

“Yeah?”

“Break ends tomorrow. We have practice. Baekhyun will be there. You can’t ignore him.” 

“Unfortunately.” 

“Chanyeol, I listened to some of the music you were writing before you showed up to the studio earlier.” 

“Oh god. Was it really that terrible?”

“No, it was good. In fact, I think you and Baekhyun should sing it, as a duet. We can use it on our next album.”

I looked him, eyes pleading, “I can’t, Suho…”

“You can, Chanyeol. And you’re going to. We’re recording tomorrow after practice. I want to see you and Baekhyun there.” 

“But I can’t sing…”

“Chanyeol, you’re singing the duet with Baekhyun.”

“Alright then. I’m singing the duet with Baekhyun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it and thank you so much for reading if you have gotten this far.   
> Also, I am sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter (especially because its still short) I have just had a lot going on.   
> Tell me what you think of the chapter! I didn't know where I was going with it and I think ti turned out just ok.   
> Honestly, I don't know where this story is going and I have been thinking about ending it. I promise I won't abandon it. I just don't know how to end it or where its really going because I didn't write a proper outline at first. I have sort of an idea for the next chapter so I will be writing it and I'll see how I feel after that.   
> Thank you so much for reading and I love to hear feedback so leave some comments!


	6. Panic

Baekhyun POV

My limbs felt impossibly heavy, barely liftable when I woke up in the morning to get ready for practice. Well, I wasn’t exactly waking up. I had been awake for a while. I couldn’t sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time when I was in a constant state of worry about Chanyeol, making sure I would be awake if he happened to come home. 

I had practice in 30 minutes. I think we were recording today. I knew Chanyeol would be there and I would just have to deal with it. I wanted him home no matter how scary the thought of seeing him again seemed.

I found it hard to distinguish between the shaking of anxiety and the shaking of hunger. The two feelings were different, but when mixed together created a feeling entirely new. It made you unable to focus on much else. But the hunger and anxiety were all the fault of myself. I didn’t have to cause myself trouble but for some reason I did. I was stupid. 

I dressed in plain old black sweatpants and a baggy white t-shirt. I put on a beanie so that I wouldn’t have to do anything with my hair. I didn’t want to put any effort into anything let alone straightening my hair. I didn’t feel motivated enough to put any concealer on so I just skipped it. My undereye circles were clearly standing out but it didn’t matter. 

I filled my water bottle and slipped on my pair of black Nike’s before heading out the door. 

It was weird driving. Driving alone. I had my own car and everything but usually Chanyeol and I would go everywhere together since we had the same schedule and everything. It was the most convenient. Lately, he had been always the one to drive. He was always worrying about me. He was better at focusing on the road than I was anyways so I willingly let him drive even though I didn’t want him to have to take care of me. He seemed at peace when he was driving anyways. 

Chanyeol hadn’t come home last night. Or the night before. I knew because I hadn’t even moved from the couch except to get water or go to the bathroom for the two days. Kyungsoo had come over one of the days and tried to pry from me why I was acting so dreary but he wasn’t a pushy person and I was stubborn enough to keep it to myself. So, Kyungsoo’s visit was short and mostly him sitting on the opposite end of the couch, comforting me with his silence, while I longed for Chanyeol’s silence. I hoped Chanyeol was safe. 

I arrived at the studio and I checked the time. I was early, as always, anxious about being late for anything. I walked through the front doors, and as expected Suho was already there, waiting for all the members to arrive, a very tired looking Sehun resting a head on his shoulder while Suho was trying to get some work done, sorting some papers. Probably sheet music. In the other corner sat Chanyeol, also looking at sheet music. I avoided looking in his direction and he avoided looking in mine. Chanyeol wasn’t usually a person to arrive on time when he was by himself so I assumed he had spent the night at Suho’s place. I was relieved that he had a safe place to sleep. Although all of this could’ve been solved if I hadn’t been such an ass. If I would’ve just accepted the ki--. No. I didn’t deserve him. He would move on and find someone that was worthy of him. 

My thoughts were interrupted by Suho, “Baekhyun,” he said, motioning for me to come towards him. I walked in his over to the section of the floor he was sitting on, sitting down next to him and setting my water bottle on the floor. 

He quickly gave me some instructions, “We’re gonna work on vocals today while Kai and Lay work in the dance studio choreographing a new number for all 12 of us.”

“Okay,” I nodded my head. 

“We need to get everything together quick. Our comeback is scheduled very soon. Just look over the sheet music and I sent you the background tracks. We’re gonna go over all of them today and then when we come back I want them to be mostly memorized.” 

“Yeah, how much singing do I have?”

“Quite a bit but I think you can handle it. I gave the high notes to you and Jongdae mostly. Kyungsoo and you have most of the melodies. Also, one of the songs you have is a duet with Chanyeol.” 

My stomach dropped at the last bit but I just nodded and sat down to practice. It was just singing. It didn’t matter with who. I just had to focus on singing. I was good at singing. Suho said I could handle it. I could handle it. 

\------------------------

Chanyeol POV

“Okay guys, I think we’ve got enough down for today. Keep practicing.” Kai said, letting us go from dance rehearsal. The new choreography seemed harder than ever and I kept getting caught on my long limbs. I tried but I knew that they would end up making me dance in the back and I guess I was okay with that. I could accept my blatant inability to be graceful on the dancefloor. 

It seemed as if rehearsal had lasted for an eternity and I was so tired. Rehearsing for a comeback was not as easy as some people thought it was. It was tons of work and hours of rehearsal time. But as much as it was stressful, I couldn’t stop. I loved it too much. Music was my heart and soul. 

Just when we thought we were done for the night, Suho spoke up, “Kai and Sehun, I need you to stay here to work on a dance duet and Baekhyun and Chanyeol you stay to work on the vocals for your duet.”

My limbs ached and I was hungry but I wasn’t about to say no to Suho. I started heading to the recording studio where Baekhyun was headed but Kai stopped me, “Chanyeol.”

“Yeah, what’s up.”

“Is Baekhyun okay?” He looked worried. 

“I think so, why?” I lied. Baekhyun was probably not okay. 

“He just doesn’t seem to have as much energy as he usually has when dancing. I would keep an eye on him.” 

“Yeah. Of course.” 

I should’ve know Baekhyun wouldn’t have eaten when I wasn’t there for him. I would have to go home tonight. I couldn’t leave Baekhyun to himself for any longer. I wanted to go home, too. 

The eating disorder or whatever it was, it was now seriously affecting him. And I was too in my own head to even notice these past couple of days. How could I do this? How could I leave him alone when I knew what he was going through? It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t want to kiss me. I shouldn’t have put that pressure on him. 

I put the thought away in my mind to deal with later. Right now, I had to focus on singing. As much as I could, at least. My voice was like a dying rat compared to Baekhyun’s honey sounding voice. I wasn’t meant to sing. I wrote the music. My voice wasn’t good enough to sing it. I forever will question why SM even let me debut when I couldn’t even sing or dance nearly as well as the others. I didn’t even look like anything special. I didn’t measure up so why was I here? 

I stepped inside the studio where Baekhyun already was standing, just looking at his sheet of music, quietly singing the melody of the song. 

“You ready?” I asked him. 

“Yeah, I think so.” 

“I think we’ll just play the track today because neither of us have had time to learn the piano part. We can decide who gets to play it some other time.” 

“Yeah,” he mumbled. He wouldn’t look at me. 

He started singing first and his voice sounded like pure light, making it hard to focus on my own music when I was too busy looking and listening to him. I could tell that he loved singing. He would tense up just a bit on the high notes, as if he didn’t have enough breath. He needed energy. Not eating was making it harder for him to sing. I wouldn’t, I couldn’t let him beat himself up enough to ruin his beautiful voice. He needed me just as much as I needed him even if he didn’t act like it. 

Then it was my turn to sing. My voice sounded terrible. Like nails on a chalkboard. Incomparably bad to Baekhyun’s voice. It couldn’t fit with his voice. It wouldn’t. Why did Suho make me sing? Why did he make me sing with Baekhyun? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sing. Especially not in front of Baekhyun. Vulnerable. Not right now. 

The anxiety filled my head and I couldn’t stop the constant speeding stream of thought almost preventing me from singing. I started panicking and my voice stopped. My breathing grew quicker. Breathe Chanyeol. Breathe. One breath at a time. But whatever I could tell myself it could work.

“I can’t do this,” I said to Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun looked at me, “Yes you can, Chanyeol. What was wrong with it?”

“My voice. I can’t-” I put my head in my hands, barely able to speak and leaned against the wall, sliding down until I was sitting on the floor. Goddamnit BREATHE. But I couldn’t. My brain simply refused to cooperate. 

“Chanyeol, your voice is perfect and real. Keep singing. Try again. You can do this.” 

“You’re lying. I can’t do this. I can’t sing in front of you. I can’t sing with you. It doesn’t sound right.”

“It’s okay. We can try again tomorrow.” 

“I just sound- I -I sound so-” and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t think.

“Chanyeol, calm down.” But I could barely hear the words come out of his mouth. And my head was still in my knees and he was crouched down beside me but I couldn’t see him. 

“I-” and this is what a panic attack was. A thing I had gone years without, since pre-debut. When your heart wouldn’t slow down, the air became thin, and my eyesight went blurry. 

“Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol, what’s wrong?”

It’s hard to describe. There is nothing much to describe except that you’re so wrapped up in what’s happening to you, thinking you might die, that you can’t focus on anything around you. I was drowning Baekhyun’s voice out, not meaning to. It’s just what was happening. Meaningless incoherent sounds circled inside my brain and I tried to realize they weren’t really there but they wouldn’t go away. I was as real as anything I could experience. 

Baekhyun’s voice, “Chanyeol?”

My voice, “Baek, I can’t bre-”

And then his lips were on mine. And my head started to clear and my heart slowed as much as it would allow itself considering what was currently happening. His lips were soft, his hands were on my cheeks, and his hair brushed my forehead. I focused myself on kissing him back while I felt the panic unravel from me. 

And when I felt calm, he pulled away. 

I looked at him. He looked at me. 

“Panic attack?” he asked. He knew. Of course he knew. Baekhyun knew me. 

“Panic attack,” I said. 

“I thought- I- I’m sorry Chanyeol. I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s fine.” 

“No- it’s not. I-”

“Baek. Just shut up.”

He stopped and looked at the floor. It was silent and I closed my eyes for a second, taking everything in before Baekhyun spoke again, “I just have one question.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Am I a good kisser?” I couldn’t believe he would do this. Mess with my emotions when he had made it clear he didn’t even want to kiss me before. 

“What the fuck Baek? Don’t mess with me like-”

“I love you Chanyeol.” 

And his lips were on mine again. And I was at peace for that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a little happy at least, right?  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.   
> Leave me thoughts, comments, ideas, suggestions, anything. I love any feedback I can get from readers. You would make my day if you left a comment.   
> Anyways, still trying to decide how to end this fanfic. I just can’t decide. This is a hard decision that I should’ve made before I started writing it.


	7. Empty

Suho POV

Everything seemed off lately. And it didn’t have anything to do with me. Or most anyone in the group. But the group was missing something. The joy that once filled the studio during rehearsals seemed to be missing. And I suppose it had to do with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. The happy duo, as I liked to call them, seemed to be like zombies just dragging themselves along. It started with Baekhyun, and then Chanyeol, but I couldn’t let it go any further than it had already. It was like I had lost two member. I couldn’t lose any more and I desperately needed them back. 

The happy duo weren’t happy lately and it was throwing everything off. 

I had to do something about it now. 

“Sehun!” I called for my boyfriend. I assumed he was either eating or playing a game. Or both. 

“Yes?” he looked up from the video game he was currently involved in while shoving handfuls of puffcorn into his mouth. Just as I had guessed. 

“I think I’m gonna invite everyone over to the house. We need to talk about Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I want all the members to help.”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll go get some snacks.”

“Sehun, we don’t need snacks.”

“We always need snacks.” 

“Sehun,” I said, trying to convince him that we didn’t need snacks, even though I knew my convincing wouldn’t work. 

“Suho,” he said, throwing me the classic Sehun sass that I couldn’t resist loving. 

I smiled at him, “Fine. Go get snacks from the store. And don’t be too long,” I said and handed him my credit card as he grabbed the keys to drive to the convenience store. I knew the snacks were going to be more for him than anyone else and also that he would always take forever to at the store but I let him go anyways. Making him happy was what I cared about most in this world and snacks were one thing that I always knew would make him happy. I’d never known a boy who loved snacks as much as Sehun. 

After Sehun left, I pulled out my phone to message the group, leaving Chanyeol and Baekhyun out of the group chat. Making group chats was never a good idea, but I never seemed to get the brains to not make them. It was just so much faster and easier, even when I did get about 100 annoying replies from the other group members. 

I wanna see you all at my house in the next hour. We have to talk about some things. 

If I’m being honest. My choice of wording sounded a bit like I was about to yell at them about something. I sent it anyway, hoping they wouldn’t be to scared to show up. Well, if they didn’t show up, I would make sure that they would feel Kyungsoo’s wrath. I was hopeless at scaring them, so Kyungsoo was my go to when I needed to really get something done.

A few minutes after I sent the text, my phone lit up with more replies. C’mon guys, I didn’t need replies. 

Jongdae: K

Luhan: Who uses the word “K”?

Kris: @Luhan: what are you too much of a manly man to use the work “K”?

Xiumin: Hey, stop picking on Lu.

Jongin: And the boyfriend comes to save the day!

Luhan: Hey! I like girls!

Jongin: Just admit it we all know you two are a thing.

Luhan: What like you and Kyungsoo. 

Jongin: Yes, like me and Kyungsoo. 

Satansoo: JONGIN. I thought we weren’t telling the group. 

Jongdae: Ooooooooooooooh, someone’s gonna get their ass beat. Get your popcorn, ladies. This’ll be a show. 

Tao: Can you guys stop blowing up this group chat. I’m trying to take a nap. 

Yixing: Wait what’s going on? 

Kyungsoo: GUYS JUST SHUT UP AND GET TO SUHO’S 

 

Ugh, they were so annoying sometimes. But, like I said, I can always trust Kyungsoo to get something done for me. 

By the time Sehun got back from the store, everyone was already sitting in the living room at my house, and, not to my surprise, they had already made a mess of the place. Of course. 

“What took you so long?” Luhan yelled as Sehun walked through the door. 

“Snacks,” Sehun mumbled, arms full of bags of snacks. He had enough food to feed a small army; or maybe just Sehun for one evening. And he even had an open bag of potato chips hanging from his mouth. 

“Of course,” Luhan replied, “Shouldn’t have even had to ask,” he said rolling his eyes.

“You couldn’t wait to get home before you started eating?” I asked him, trying to help him carry some of the food but he refused to let me. 

“What do you want from me? I’m a hungry boy?”

“Even after all that eating, he still looks like a noodle,” Luhan said, smirking, causing Sehun to hit Luhan in the head with the bag of chips. 

“But you’re a sexy noodle,” I whispered in his ear, and he slapped me for that one, too.

After a few minutes everyone had settled down a bit and we were all gathered in my living room. 

“Why are we here anyways?” Jongdae asked. 

“Chanyeol and Baekhyun.” 

“What about ‘em?” Jongdae asked. 

Kyungsoo facepalmed at his reply, “Did you even notice that they weren’t here?” 

“Oh yeah,” Jongdae said, still looking slightly confused. 

“It seemed like something was missing,” Yixing said. 

“Yeah, I think we’ve all noticed a difference lately,” I said.

The group nodded looking slightly sad. 

“Do any of you have any insight into what may be going on?” I asked, hoping someone would know something that I didn’t about Baekhyun’s situation. 

Jongin spoke up, “I tried talking to Chanyeol the other day about Baek, but he didn’t say much. Actually, he didn’t really say anything at all. He seemed like he could handle dealing with it on his own. But I’m not so sure about it.”

“Should we do something about it?” asked Tao. 

“Can you guys just make sure to keep an eye on them? Keep asking?” I said. 

Everyone nodded. 

\----------

We had all ended up playing Monopoly until Kyungsoo ended up dominating everyone and Tao started whining because he was losing badly. 

After everyone left, I speed cleaned the mess they left and Sehun and I collapsed on the couch. 

“Heard anything from Chan or Baek lately?” Sehun asked.

“No. Usually Chanyeol texts me, but he hasn’t.” 

Sehun wrapped his arms around me, trying to comfort me. 

“You think they’ll be okay? I can’t help but feel a responsibility for their well-being,” I asked him.

“They’ll be okay Suho. You can’t worry too much or others will start worrying about you, too.” 

“I just want the happy duo back.” 

“We all do,” Sehun said, his head on my chest, “we all do.” 

\-----------------------

Chanyeol POV

Silence. That’s what I would use to describe the hours that followed leaving the studio. When things got bad for me, silence was the loudest thing I could experience. But my tongue couldn’t move to speak, so I let the silent scream of my own head overtake me. There was no point in trying to ignore it.

Sleep. That was a distant thought at this point, something that seemed like a fantasy I couldn’t quite grasp. My hours were spent with eyes open, head pounding, eyelids burning, throat dry. If I only could fall asleep, or if only sleep could fix anything. 

Panic. That was what was wrenching my stomach. It wasn’t bad. No, it was bad. It was terrible and it wouldn’t go away. The thing is, panic makes sense when you have something to panic about. But when you didn’t, then it was like stepping off a building and not knowing whether the ground was there. And I was falling and falling and falling. 

It was getting bad again. Everything. 

The downward spiral was faster than ever before and I couldn’t help but imagine what would happen when I hit the pavement. 

\-------

Baekhyun POV

Every time I stood up, I couldn’t see for a minute. A fuzzy black screen covered my vision as my body begged for more energy. 

No food in 2 days. 

No Chanyeol in 3 days. 

He hadn’t left his bedroom and I had barely left the outside of his door. 

He didn’t answer when I spoke but I knew he was there. Sometimes I could hear his breathing quicken on the other side of the door. 

I had seen him like this once before. Years ago. But it hadn’t happened so fast that time. But I should’ve known. I should’ve been looking for the warning signs. 

I stood up, almost falling over, breathing slowly until my vision returned. 

I knocked on his door, “Chanyeol.”

No reply. 

“Chanyeol, are you there?”

No reply.

“Chanyeol, I’m going to rehearsal. See you there.” 

But I didn’t really know if I would see him there. 

I didn’t know what to do.

\-----------

 

Chanyeol POV

“Chanyeol.” 

My mouth wouldn’t move. 

“Chanyeol.”

I wanted to answer him and let him know I was okay.

“Chanyeol, I’m going to rehearsal. See you there.”

But I wasn’t okay. 

And he wouldn’t be seeing me at rehearsal. 

I think he knew that, too. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and listened to his footsteps around the house. I heard the front door close behind him. 

I sat up in my bed, breathing out heavily. 

I had almost forgot for a second. 

The kiss. 

Baekhyun kissed me. He said he loved me. 

But how could I believe him?

It didn’t seem real to me. 

Nothing seemed real right now. 

Everything seemed like a dream. 

Not a dream. A nightmare. 

No matter how slowly I tried to breathe, what I did, it felt like I was in a state of constant agonizing unrest.  
\---------------------

Baekhyun POV

“Baek! How’s the duet with Chanyeol going?” Suho asked me as soon as I stepped into the studio, “....wait….where’s Chanyeol?”

“I drove by myself.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, of course,” I lied, faking half a smile. Maybe I shouldn’t have lied. 

“You look tired,” he said. And I realized I had forgotten the undereye concealer.

“Not anymore than usual,” I replied, fully knowing that undereye concealer wouldn’t have changed a thing. 

\-------

Rehearsal was finished for the day and I felt as if I was about to keel over. 

“Baekhyun, don’t leave. I need to talk to you after the others leave.” 

It was Kyungsoo. 

“Yeah?” I said, hoping that this would be a short conversation. 

“You know you can talk to your friends. You and Chanyeol seem very distant lately. He wasn’t even here today. Everyone has been making sure we all keep an eye on you two. Don’t think we don’t notice. I can’t let you two keep distancing yourselves,” he looked very worried, not a usual look for Kyungsoo. He made me almost want to tell him everything. The whole truth.

But I couldn’t. I didn’t. I just looked at the floor. 

“Baek, please, talk to me,” he pleaded. But I couldn’t talk. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said. And I left the studio, not looking back for I might’ve cried. 

\---------------------

Chanyeol POV

Baekhyun would be home in 15 minutes. And I didn’t want to be in the apartment. 

It seemed to take all my will to get up out of my bed and leave my bedroom, but I did it. I had to. I needed some air. 

For the first time in a 3 days, I left the house. I brought nothing except my keys to the apartment. 

When I stepped outside, the chill of the air hit me and I shivered. I was in only a short sleeve t-shirt and sweatpants. I probably should’ve brought a sweatshirt or a jacket but the pain of my freezing finger tips almost calmed me. It was a small pain to focus on that brought my thoughts away from the pain in my head. 

I walked as slow as I ever had before, all by myself, taking short strides, my hands in my pocket. Nobody was outside because the day was dreary, and I liked it that way, nobody to bother me.

I passed the coffee shop that Sehun took me to once or twice, him always seeming practically ready to shove bubble tea down my throat, forcing me to like it as much as he did. But memories, even as simple and happy as those ones, seemed as cold as the air to me, like the memories weren’t real, but yet another thing all in my head. 

I wanted to cry, but my body wouldn’t let me. My eyes were dry and my throat was heavy. My limbs seemed to drag me down. I needed a place to sit down and try not to think.

\---------------

Baekhyun POV

Home was empty. Chanyeol’s door was open. 

My stomach was empty. Not in the way that I hadn’t eaten for days, though I suppose that was true also, but in the way your stomach empties when something doesn’t feel right. 

I had to go find him. I had to make it all okay. Everything was my fault and I had to fix it. I shouldn’t have kissed him but I had to. I wanted to. 

I would’ve driven to look for Chanyeol but I figured he couldn’t have gone far and it would be easier to find him on foot. So, i grabbed my phone and jacket, and left the apartment as quickly as I had returned there moments ago. 

\---------------

I was planning on walking but I couldn’t help myself from running. Anything to find Chanyeol. 

I passed all the familiar places around where we lived. A coffee shop where Sehun got his favorite bubble tea, the convenience store I used to stop at often, I even passed the building where Jongdae lived, about half a mile away. I hoped that Sehun had gone this way.

It hurt to run. My body simply didn’t have the energy and I felt as if I would pass out. But I wouldn’t let myself. There were more important things at the moment. 

I had run about a mile already. Though I suppose that now I was down to a dragging jog, as fast as my body would currently allow. My energy was drained. I had just been at an intense dance rehearsal and I hadn’t eaten in days. 

Just when I thought my body was about to give up on myself, I saw him. 

Chanyeol was sitting on a bench in a park near our house we used to often go to in the summer. The bench was positioned near a rocky riverbank. The air near the water was cold and I noticed he didn’t have a jacket. He was staring straight ahead, his eyes open, he barely looked alive. He didn’t notice me standing at a distance either. 

I ran to the bench, stopping a few feet away from him. 

“Chanyeol?”

He looked up at me and his eyes looked sad, his gaze felt heavy and sullen. 

“Are you okay?” I asked. But I knew the answer to that. He wasn’t okay. 

“I don’t know,” I accepted the answer because even if it was vague, I knew what he meant. 

I sat next to him and looked ahead where he was staring again. 

“You’re getting sad again, aren’t you?”

“You could say that,” he replied, not moving. 

I turned to him, “Would it feel better if I kissed you?”

“Maybe.”

So I kissed him. And I felt his tears roll onto my cheek. 

\-------------

I had been sitting on the bench near the river in the park. Miserably failing at not thinking. 

And then he was there. 

Baekhyun. 

He said my name and I looked at him, but I didn’t know how to reply. He looked weak and drained of energy, like he had spent the last of his self running to find me. 

And the tears were about to come. I tried to hold them back.

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” I said, knowing that I should’ve said no. 

“You’re getting sad again, aren’t you?” he asked me. I didn’t know what that meant but a small part of me knew entirely what that meant. 

So I replied vaguely again, “I guess you could say that.” 

“Would it feel better if I kissed you?” he asked, looking up at me. And with his words, the memory of the night in the studio filled my head. It felt like a wonderful dream but a nightmare at the same time. And I did want him to kiss me right now. I really did. 

“Maybe.” 

And he did kiss me. And that’s when the tears came because it was worse than anything to not feel anything at all in his kiss. It felt cold. For the first time, kissing Baekhyun felt empty. And I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, was it too dramatic? 
> 
> This was originally going to be two chapters but it’s less than 3k words so I just combined them. 
> 
> Leave me comments about anything! Did you like it?
> 
> I have a lot more time to write now so get ready.


	8. Save Him

Baekhyun POV

I pulled away from the kiss, letting my arms fall back to sides, and turning slightly away from him. Kissing him felt nice and I felt like I might be able to do this. Live. With Chanyeol. I refused to hide my feelings any longer from him. 

I turned my head to face him, searching for an expression on his face. He looked at me blankly, his cheeks red, his eyes heavy, not a good sign. 

“I need to be left alone,” he said, his eyes looked wide, like a deer caught in the headlights, like he couldn’t straighten things out. I couldn’t tell whether kissing him made it better or worse in his eyes, but I assumed it only did damage considering he didn’t want me here. 

I didn’t want to leave him alone. I wanted to stay here, our arms wrapped around each other, my head on his shoulder. And we could walk home holding hands, and everything would be okay. But you can’t leave yourself wanting what the other person doesn’t. I could imagine that everything okay all I wanted but that wouldn’t make it okay. 

“Okay,” I said and I did leave him alone, “come back home soon,” I spoke, standing up, hoping my words would bring him home to me. He had to come home to me. Our fingers brushed as I walked away from the bench, and I longed to hold his hand for just a little bit, to stay with him just a little longer, but I kept waking. After a few steps, I turned around, “I love you,” I spoke. He didn’t look up and I just continued walking, wishing I would’ve stayed, but not changing my mind.

Come home to me soon, Chanyeol. Please...

\---------------

Chanyeol POV

I watched him walking away, blonde hair blowing in the wind, hands empty at his sides. He looked exhausted. I was exhausted, too. My cheeks were warm from when he his hand had held them and my fingertips were cold. I was void of feeling and speaking was hard so I didn’t say anything back. 

Should I have made him stay? 

Probably. 

It was best for me, best for him, for him to stay here with me, but my mind was telling me no. I had to be alone right now. 

My eyelids felt heavy and I finally let them close. They shut with ease this time. I almost fell asleep in the calm frigidness of the slightly windy air but decided I couldn’t let myself drift off. There would be plenty of time to rest soon. 

I won’t be seeing him at home...

\-------------------

Baekhyun POV

It wasn’t far to walk home, but I was exhausted and I didn’t really want to be home. Besides, Chanyeol probably wouldn’t be going back home or a while anyways. I had a while for myself. Everything at home felt stuffy and too familiar. Home was empty when I knew he wouldn’t be there with me. So, I strayed away from our apartment for now. 

It was getting harder to breathe by the minute. I had gone too long without eating. Much too long for me to be still functioning, it seemed. Everything about my body was slow but it seemed to be working quickly in overtime. I powered through it. I had a reason to stay. I had to live today. I had to live to be with Chanyeol. Even if he didn’t want me now, I still would live to be there for him. 

I had been walking a long time and I honestly didn’t know how I was still standing at this point. My body seemed colder than the frigid air I was walking through but I had finally reached the studio. I hadn’t really specifically decided on going there, it just seemed to be where my body took me. 

Of course, I always thought of the apartment I shared with Chanyeol as home, but the studio was also home. And it was also more of a home to Chanyeol. If he could go here when he was stressed, maybe it would offer some sort of relief for me. Although I couldn’t sing, just being here seemed to be enough to offer me something. Maybe Chanyeol wouldn’t go to our apartment, but it seemed likely he would come to the recording studio, his other home. 

I went in sat in the chair by the recording equipment. I had spent a lot of time here, hours I wouldn’t have wanted to spend anywhere else. Hours writing music by Chanyeol’s and the member’s sides. 

I stayed there, thinking, for a long time. I was too weak to move. I hoped that Chanyeol would come here and we would find each other. I was prepared to stop distancing myself from his help. I wanted to be with him. 

I wanted my friends, I wanted my family, I wanted to sing, and I wanted to cry. And most of all, I wanted Chanyeol…

“Baek?”

I knew that voice but it wasn’t Chanyeol like I had been wishing. It was Suho. My vision was blurred slightly but I looked up and saw him walking towards me, Kai trailing behind him. They had just walked out of the dance studio. I thought nobody would be here at this time, it was late, but I guess that they had been working on choreography. 

“Baek what are you doing here so late?” I sat up a little, facing them. 

I wanted to tell them that I was okay and I was just working on music, but the words didn’t want to come out. 

“He doesn’t look very well,” Kai said to Suho. And they were right, my body wanted to give up on me even if this was the one time where I didn’t want it to give up on me. 

“Baek, what’s wrong?” Kai asked me.

Again, the words wouldn’t come. 

Suho came closer to me, feeling my cheek and forehead. 

“You’re so cold. Baek? What happened?”

He took my wrist and felt my pulse. 

“His pulse is slow,” he said, looking at Kai, his eyes filled with worry that I felt bad for causing, “We have to take him to a hospital.” 

He helped me stand up but this time the fuzzy, black, dots wouldn’t go away and I fell to the floor, passing out. 

Not again.

This time, Chanyeol wasn’t here to save me...  
\------------------

Chanyeol POV

The top of the of the bridge wasn’t far from the bench on the edge of the river where I had been sitting on the bench, so that’s where I went. I stood up and just kept walking until I made it to the bridge. Everything felt numb, like I wasn’t really the one controlling my own body. My legs were moving but it was like I wasn’t the one controlling them. I placed all the focus that was left in me on to breathing, trying to breathe normally, but even breathing was hard to focus on. It felt like I wasn’t myself but maybe this was completely and entirely my actual self. Maybe this was the way it was fated to be. 

I had walked across this bridge countless times. By myself. With him. It was a large bridge and very sturdy. It was just a bridge to walk across, cars not allowed. It was usually littered with people walking, enjoying the day. Even in winter, people enjoyed being up here. But nobody was walking on it today. It was too cold and dreary for anyone to want to be up here, anyways. Out of the number of times I had walked this bridge, alone and with others, none had felt nearly as lonely as this time. 

When I had walked halfway across the bridge, I stopped, taking in all of my surroundings. The world seemed completely empty at that moment. It was quiet, as if I was the only person left in the world. I heard nothing but the splash of water below and the slow in and out of my breathing. I stepped towards the edge, near the railing, looking down at the water, wildly blown by the wind. The river was full of rocks, jutting out in every direction. The water seemed to whisper my name. 

My phone started ringing. I ignored it. 

I stepped on the railing, making sure to be careful of my footing. I didn’t want to slip. I stood up straight, shoulders back, facing toward the river, arms out. I closed my eyes, taking in every sound, every breeze across my face. And for a second, I felt free. But the feeling left and left me alone, standing on the bridge, feeling small and alone and empty. 

My phone rang again. I pulled it out of my pocket this time. Suho. I ignored it and went to my contacts. I found Baekhyun’s name and pressed voicemail. I held the phone up to my face, “I love you too,” I whispered. I pressed send and dropped the phone into the river, watching it smash against the rocks, the pieced glittering the rushing water. 

And then I let myself fall.

Goodbye Baek…

\-----------------

Baekhyun POV

2 days in the hospital. It had been 2 days. 2 days without a word from Chanyeol. 

I was better. I was getting better. This time, I was going to be better. But I couldn’t do anything if I didn’t know if he was okay. I thought that he would be the first one here, to help me. He was always here for me. I guess I had become so much of a burden, he didn’t feel like saving me anymore. Did I really deserve it though? Did I deserve his saving?

The doctor had told me that my heartbeat had slowed so much that I would’ve died soon if I hadn’t gotten help. Suho had saved me by bringing me to the hospital. But I couldn’t help but think that it would’ve been better if Chanyeol had been the one to save me. I couldn’t help but feel that it didn’t happen the way it was supposed to. Chanyeol was supposed to be here. But he wasn’t. If he wasn’t here, then where was he? 

All I wanted right now was for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel his fingers run through my hair. And I wanted to hear his voice mixed with mine, to sing with him again. 

Suho had been trying to call Chanyeol ever since he had taken me to the hospital 2 days ago. There had been no reply. Chanyeol? Where are you? I need you. 

“Baek?” It was Suho, walking into my room. His eyes and cheeks were red and puffy. Shit. 

“What’s wrong?” I said, and I was worried. I hadn’t ever seen Suho cry in the years I had known him. Chanyeol...please tell me Chanyeol is okay...

He shook his head, as if to let me know that it was bad news.

“It’s Chanyeol…”

And it felt as if my oxygen had been taken away… Not Chanyeol. Not him. Where was he? What happened? Why isn’t he here? 

“Suho, tell me what happened,” I said, trying to hold back tears, failing miserably. My mind felt heavy. My limbs felt like dead weight. 

“He’s gone...h-he..”

“Suho...” 

“He’s dead,” and I could tell he found it hard to stand, hard to speak. 

And was as if at that moment, my world stopped. 

“I thought you should be the first to know.”

“Yeah....” I said blankly

“It was suicide,” Suho said. 

I didn’t know what to say. I was so focused on being saved that I couldn’t save him. Why did I ever leave him there on that bench? Alone? If I would’ve stayed it would all be okay. If I would’ve stayed he would be here. If I had only stayed...

“He left a message on your phone. I figured you should listen to it alone. I know you’re not supposed to have your phone right now, but I thought you would want to hear it.”

I took the phone from him. And I broke down crying when I saw his name on the screen. 

Voicemail from Chanyeol

It took all I had to press play on that screen, to know that this was the last time he would be speaking to me. 

“I love you, too,” I heard his deep voice, matched with a waver in his breathing, a soft whisper, my tears falling heavier. But I wanted more. I couldn’t help it. It was only four words. I wanted more. I wanted him to talk forever. To tell me why. To tell me he was still alive and safe. To give me a chance to save him. I just wanted him to be here, alive. 

And I broke, “Chanyeol, I love you too. I love you so much,” I said aloud, nobody to hear me. But somehow, if it were possible, I hoped he had heard my words. 

It didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real. 

Chanyeol...Why did you have to leave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me for this. I am sorry. Sort of. 
> 
> There will be just one more chapter after this. It's almost finished. I'm sad to leave this story behind because it was the first chaptered fic that I wrote but it is time for it to end. 
> 
> I hope to get the next chapter up in the next week! I promise it won't be too long. (but i do have finals so don't kill me if it takes longer than expected)
> 
> Anyways, I love when people leave me comments so tell me what you thought! :)


	9. Closure (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay before you read this chapter (last chapter ahhhh!), I want you all to listen to a song to go with this chapter. 
> 
> Nana by the 1975 
> 
> Do it. Go listen to it. Its worth your time and I feel it fits perfectly with the story right now. 
> 
> For some reason, certain songs are really inspiring what I write.

Baekhyun POV

Dear Chanyeol, 

I’ve been told by plenty that writing a letter may give me closure. It’s been 3 months. I still need closure. 

I haven’t been doing too well. But how could I when you’re gone? I try not to blame you for my feelings but I don’t know what else to do. 

Where to start...

Well, I don’t live in our apartment anymore. I barely went back there after you were gone. I remember a week after you left, I sat on your bed and cried. I cried for a day there, wishing you would appear by my side, but you never did. I think that’s when it really sunk in that you weren’t coming back and that’s when I really felt the most alone. 

Sometimes when I’m with a friend watching a movie or in dance rehearsal working hard, it’s like you never left. But that feeling stays for no longer than a few minutes. It seems I can’t live a day in my life without wishing for your return. And I don’t think I ever will. I will think of you every day until I see you again. 

I live with Jongdae right now and it’s a good living situation. Everyone, including me, decided it wasn’t a good idea for me to live alone for a while. Jongdae and I have become great friends over the past month or so and he helps me even with the hard stuff. We practice singing a lot. I want you to know, Chanyeol, that every time I sing, every time a note comes out of my mouth, it’s for you. I sing to get by the pain of your lost presence. I sing because you deserve so many songs for you. I wish I could’ve given you these songs while you were still here but even though you are not here, I will give them to you anyways. I hope you hear them. I hope you like them. 

I bet if you came back, you’d have a lot of questions. Like, what happened to EXO? We’ll be announcing our split in a week. We knew that you would want us to stay together, to keep on performing without you. Even if that’s what you would’ve wanted, I think you would also understand why we couldn’t do it anymore. Believe me tried. That past couple of months have shown us that we can’t be EXO without you. You were a glue, Chanyeol. Even if you didn’t see it while you were here, we needed you. EXO can’t be the same without you. I’m sorry we couldn’t do it anymore but we can’t get by as a group without you. I’m sad to see us split but I know that it’s time to move on. 

I’ll keep singing. I’ll sing everyday. I don’t need the group to sing. I’ll still see all of the members, too. Friends are what I have now that I don’t have you. Singing is the only thing to make things feel alright at the moment.

I’ve been eating. I know I said I haven’t been doing too well, but I realized that I had to at least stay here. I had to stay on this earth because I didn’t want to leave behind a hole like you. So I’m choosing to live. I’m choosing everyday to keep going. I didn’t get here on my own. I’ve seen lots of medical professionals, spent time in a hospital, I had to talk a lot about my feelings, which I’m not particularly good at. Even this letter is another assignment from a therapist. But I wanted to do this one. And nobody is going to ever see this letter but me. 

I miss you every fucking day. I want you to know that. I want you to know that you didn’t have to leave but I understand why you did. 

I’ve never believed in an afterlife before and maybe I still don’t but I’ve never wished there was one more than at this moment. I want to live a long time, but I also want to see you again. I hope you’ll be there waiting for me when I eventually get to where you are. I hope you exist somewhere so we can sing together again. 

I loved you. I love you. I will continue to love you. 

Love,   
Baekhyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that’s it!
> 
> This chapter is short but I feel that this was the way it had to be. Tell me what you thought about it. 
> 
> Thank you so much if you read my story! I love you!


End file.
